Offence, knobbery and various other unacceptable fuckwitteries

As the regular ones among you will know – & of course by regular, I mean regular readers, I am not making reference to those of you with regular bowel movements. We will no doubt cover that in a future post. – This blog is full of shit  Is a cultural education for anyone planning to travel to England. As well as offering survival tips to those  brave enough to visit us here in the booty of England. Whether it is a conscious decision to do so or whether you just took the wrong turn off the M11. So first things first….where are we?

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Yes that’s us! In the little sticky out butt bit of England (we squat bro!). We’re cool with this though as in usual Norfolkness, we realise that there is always someone worse off. Like those from Suffolk for instance…..

Us Norfolk folks are simple creatures. For the most part we’re sippy cup half full types and happy to live & let live. Apart from the times we’re not. Then we would rather live & stab arsehats in the eye with a toasting fork. However, for the most part we are happy to grab the hands of visitors in our little six fingered paws & welcome them. Of course, as with all countries of the world there are some ‘no go’ areas and Norfolk is no exception. For us, the place to avoid is  Kings Lynn. Imagine the worst place in your neighbourhood & then imagine that all the residents in that neighbourhood are inbred and they all live in houses built on the flattest landscape known to man…..That’s Kings Lynn. I’ve just realised that this comparison probably wouldn’t work if the worst place in your neighbourhood is Kings Lynn. If this is the case for you,  you may want to substitute Kings Lynn for Methwold.  Oh & hey! You can read!! #WINNER! No really, they’re not all bad. The Kings Lynn folks will happily shake your hand too…particularly if you are wearing shiny jewellery……

The trickiest issue for visitors to our county is there is no telling what kind of response a  comment from someone ‘what dunt cumm frumm roun hare’ is going to be met with. Is it going to be a chortle & a ‘thus roight…hint ut!’? are we going to take ‘roight a’fence’? or is it going to fall somewhere in between and the commenter will just be met with a vacant stare? A prime example of this was a poor chap who mispronounced Dereham as Deerem in the local cafe last weekend. The whole place went so quiet you could have heard a sausage roll drop. I don’t know what became of the poor fella but if only he had read my guide to Dereham from my Norfolk Tours series last year he could have saved himself a bit of embarrassment & probably a couple of fingers..and an eyeball….

So, here we are. Let me give you a brief run down of the things that really get your goat if you are from Norfolk –  or “wot will rarely git ya guut” if you want to see it written in a true Norfolk accent. And hopefully it will make your stay/visit/wrong turn a safe one.

1) Braggers and big heads.

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Generally, we have little time for braggers and big headed people. And by that I mean the know it all types nicely illustrated above. I don’t mean people who literally have ‘a big head’. Norfolk folks would never discriminate and welcome people of all hat sizes!! Just don’t brag about it. Naturally, we have our own share of braggers. You know the type, they have to have the latest tractor or combine harvesters pimped to within an inch of it’s life…..but without a doubt, they will be townies pretending to be country types. We don’t really do flash, in fact quite the reverse. So however much you spent on something? We got it cheaper & that’s how we like to do things ‘one downmanship’. Official statistics tell us that 90% of the sales made on Ebay UK are from people in Norfolk. In fact, when you visit Norfolk you may often hear what you assume are frantic moos of distressed cows. It is however the cry of the Norfolk shopper saying “Oi int fuckin payun thut!!! Um gorta haf a luk on heebay…” (Translation: Good grief! I say, that is expensive! I’m going to look on Ebay).

2) People who always make a drama out of a crisis

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Here in Norfolk we like to call a spade a spade. Unless it’s a shovel or broom & then we will call it a shovel or broom….As I have already said, we are sippy cup half full people so whatever the drama, there is always a solution. Broken a leg? Well, you’ve got another one, so stop whinging.  That’s just how we roll..or hop, if you only have one leg. Sometimes we like to play the my drama is worse than yours game with people. Let’s use the broken leg scenario again. Broken a leg? Well I had an elderly aunt who broke both her legs & an arm and still managed to bum shuffle to the post office every Thursday to pick up her pension & carry a 25kg bag of coal home…Woohoo! I win!!   Also, we don’t do sympathy…. For example, don’t ever tell a Norfolk employer that you need to rush home due to a bereavement because unless you are an undertaker, we can’t see what use you would possibly be to a dead person so you might as well stay at work.

3) Bullshitters

To you as a stranger to the parts, ‘Is thut roight?’ is Norfolk for ‘I think you are full of shit’. If a Norfolk person says ‘Is thut roight?’ to you in a descending tone, then you should probably leave by the nearest exit. This would be either the A11 or A47. If a Norfolk person says ‘Is that roight?’ to another Norfolk person, they will generally say it with a different tone of voice & it means that they are looking for confirmation/confirming what has just been said….for example:

Norfolk person one: Did ya hare thut Qoo Dee hus got a toofa wun hoffer on turls? Translation: Did you hear that QD has got a two for one offer on towels?

Norfolk person two: Is thut roight? Translation: Have they really? fucking hell! That sounds like a bargain! I must go there immediately & purchase some.

 4) Rude people & people who are over familiar.

Occasionally, when someone has done worse than get our goat, they have ‘rarely pissd us orf’. For me and many other Norfolkians this would be pressing issues such as…

–  People with body odour issues and no concept of personal space. Naturally being rural folk we tend to have a high tolerance for ‘the smell of nature’ but prefer not to smell it a foot behind us in a supermarket queue.

– A rude person failing to acknowledge our act of politeness. We are mostly polite little souls and like to rescue old ladies who’ve been spinning round with shopping trolleys caught in pot holes for 20 minutes after all,  good manners cost nothing. As you now know, we love free stuff which is why we’re so happy to throw the pleases & thank yous around, because they’re free for fuck sake! Lets chuck those mofo’s all over the place.

 

Heinrich and The Comedy Monkeys

Some of you may have seen this before but if you struggle with depression it’s always a relevant question.

How do you cope with your depression? – That’s of course assuming you do have depression and haven’t just stumbled upon this blog while looking for scenic routes for a walk on the Norfolk Broads – The first thing that springs to mind when I ask myself this question is ‘badly’. Yesterday I was having this discussion with some very good friends and we came up with the idea of giving our depression a name, personality & character traits as a coping mechanism.  Almost as if by making it a little more human, we could also give it flaws, which in our minds would give it less power. Personally, my depression usually stems from a need to not let others down, to be efficient and do things the best that I can.  I’m not in the least bit competitive, so I really don’t feel the need to be better than anyone else, except myself.

Heinrich – for tis his name – is the most inefficient, underachieving depression you have ever known. Not only does he have really bad flatulence and likes to blame me for his emissions – ok, ok, so it was me, but what’s the point in having personalised depression if you can’t blame it for your wind? – He is bald but mostly wears a ginger hairpiece.

Whenever I feel Heinrich the depression chicken (Don’t ask)  starting to get his thing on, I shoot the MOFO down with some humour & recently some personalised poetry :-)   Ok, maybe not many other people think it is funny, but I think it’s freaking hilarious! And lets face it, it is my coping mechanism, so it is all about me…not them, but if it makes someone else chuckle or do a little lady pee, then it is also a bonus. – Unless you have to sit next to someone who lady pees then I guess you want to keep the mood as miserable as possible- A few years ago I got to know some amazing people who are still great chums today and it’s all thanks to people like The Bloggess. Much like her travelling red dress, she has united the socially impaired across the globe via a network of people who are proud to be called Lawsbians. The intelweb is an amazing thing and while  I can share my thoughts and fears with like minded lunatics people, if it all gets too much or I am in a ‘reflective’ mood, I can just unplug without the fear of upsetting people or being harassed to ‘Say something funny, Sam’.  Actually, someone genuinely said that to me yesterday! she said “You’ve not been your usual cheerful self this week, say something funny!” to which I replied “FUCK OFF!” I mean honestly, what do they think I am a performing fucking comedy monkey for fuck sake??? Do those things even exist? Wow! I’ve just invented comedy monkeys! – You’re welcome! – Anyway, she laughed so, y’know some people are easily pleased when it comes to comedy & hilariousness…Anywho, where was I? oh yeah, I get this trait from my dad. The humour trait, not the talking bollocks trait.  That baby totally belongs to my mother. Example:

Mum: So anyway, your Aunt has got one of those dogs….Oh, what are they called? Those ones they use to round-up sheep?

Me: Sheep dogs?

Mum: Oh yeah! I wanted to say poodle…….

See what I mean? I can’t help it, I am generically programmed to talk crap.. Oh, I have just reminded myself about the time my mum was pushing an old lady in her wheel chair down the sea front  & suddenly the old lady starts waving her arms about frantically, mum totally mis-interprets this as excitement for seeing the fun-fair, but it turned out the old girl was choking on a piece of doughnut….She was fine though…once the paramedic resuscitated her…

So where am I going with this post? I have no idea…But in a nut shell  (removed incase anyone suffers from a nut allergy – I wouldn’t want my blog being responsible for anyone suffering an anaphylactic) so basically in a very long-winded way, I am saying laughter is the key to beating those pesky  depression chickens (and medication :-) ). There is  ALWAYS something to laugh about no matter what the situation.  Don’t listen to the depression when it tells you otherwise, because not only does it lie, it also wears a very badly fitting wig.

THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO MY LONG SUFFERING LAWSBIAN PALS AND JENNY LAWSON.  WITHOUT THE LAUGHTER YOU GUYS CONTINUE TO PUT IN MY LIFE, I WOULD HAVE GIVEN UP A LONG TIME AGO.  I LOVE YOU ALL. :-)

THIS IS HEINRICH…NOT ONLY DID HE TRY TO STEAL MY HAPPY SHIT, HE TRIED TO TAKE MY BEST HANDBAG AS WELL….THE BASTARD.