These dreams go on when I close my eyes..(Which is probably just as well because if shit like that really happened when I was awake, I’d be sectioning myself)

I had a very odd transport themed dream last night..I’m not sure if it’s down to the hours I am working at the minute or the UFO moving when I closed the curtains, which turned out to be a star with the reflection in the double glaze of the window making it seem to move..Or was it? Maybe my dream was the result of an alien abduction….

I was waiting for a taxi but instead of taking me where I wanted to go, the taxi driver just wanted to engage in some kind of pose down with me & kept telling me to feel his biceps…So enough with this shit, I decided to find another way of getting to where ever it was I wanted to. Next,  I was waiting in a queue for a bus & Bob Monkhouse came along and tapped me on the shoulder with a hot melt glue stick.  He asked me if I was waiting for the number 17? I said no, so he jumped in front of me in the line. The guy next to me looked at me funny & said who were you talking to? Bob Monkhouse! I said. The guy replied, don’t be ridiculous, he’s dead…I said no he isn’t he’s waiting for the number 17 to Sprowston. So anywho, still unable to get to where I wanted to go I decided there was nothing else for it & next thing I know I was driving a stolen bed through Thetford forest. Seriously, you would not believe the cornering abilities of a 3ft pine framed single…I drove that bitch like I stole it..which of course I did…

This is me completely medication free so I can’t even blame that. And what makes it worse is that I have no fucking idea where I wanted to go or if I even got there but I do know I need to apologise to a very good friend of mine for telling her that her butt had got huge & also stealing a cucumber sandwich off the silver platter that her maid had left out for her husbands tea. I thought I’d gotten away with it too until I saw him staring at me from underneath a nest of side tables.  Man, I was so pleased I could jump on my pine framed 3 footer & get the fuck out before he came after me…….

If there happens to be anyone out there who can interpret dreams, please feel free to have a go at this one & let me know whether I need to lay off the late evening caffeine boost or whether I just need to seek professional help…Thanks in advance.

Friday words of wisdom

Ok, so the title is probably a lot misleading. I wanted to do kind of a weekly thing filled with all the little random turd nuggets I can’t bulk out enough with waffle to fill a whole page but I couldn’t think of a title so yeah, work with me on this one for a bit.  It is however Friday, so it’s not completely bollocks, just mostly….

litter      I don’t use Tinder, so forgive me if I don’t really have a clue how it works.  But I reckon it’s like the tinterweb version of the really cheesy chat up lines that people used to try in the nightclubs when I was younger…..  I had an Australian friend, who I will call Jade – because that was her name –  She used to chat guys up by asking them if they wanted to see her map of Tazzie.  Which according to her was Aussie slang for a lady garden…I have no idea if she was lying or not but it sounded plausible to me after 8 Bacardi Breezers and to her credit, it did yeld her some excellent results.  Sadly (or fortunately, depending on your view)  the same couldn’t be said for me asking guys if they wanted to see my map of Swaffam.  Anywho it all kicked off this week when some woman said that Tinder was basically shyte and they came back & said “eff you hoe, we rock & we’re responsible for a shit ton of marriages.”  So now my word (or words) of the week is (are)  “Shit tons” Which according to my twitter chum yes, in deed is a recognised unit of measurement.


tw     Twitter has changed the favourite icon to a love heart.  so I think it’s only right the notification should change to highlight this.  if someone presses your love heart, I feel that ‘Cletus favorited your tweet’  doesn’t do it justice. should be something like ‘Cletus fucking loved your tweet’. Actually maybe there should be two buttons? so you can ‘favorite’ ones out of politeness & a ‘fucking loved this’ button for the ones that you wish you’d thought of first.  I’d be all over that, shit tons!!!



rory    Remember #WheresRory from earlier in the week? Of course you do! Unless you have dementia or something then maybe you don’t, Maybe you wish you had dementia because I’ve just reminded you of it? Whatever, I don’t know…sorry about that.  Well I was quite impressed with Chris when we took Rory out visiting Norwich, he totally embraced the challenge.  Standing in a surf shop (don’t ask) His eyes suddenly glazed over and he started pointing and squeaking “RORY!!” like a little kid whose just spotted the ice cream van (he actually does that too, but that’s another post).  Anyways, here we are, this is his take on it…….


Chris #WearsRory


cat    Do you wonder what your thoughts would actually look like if they were a person? Well I found out this week when I discovered a brilliant blog. If you ever needed an insight into the random thoughts inside a middle aged ladies head  without installing surveillance cameras around my house,  then here it is.  I LOL’d my head off.  Bridget definitely belongs in my tribe.. The picture isn’t me or her by the way. I have no idea what Bridget looks like when she does her grocery shopping but it’s a fairly good example of what I look like in the supermarket….Except I have my cats in one of those double baby seat trolley things….

& I just decided these kind of weekly snippets are going to be called FFS Friday’s.  Like my WTF Wednesdays, just on a different day.