As the regular ones among you will know – & of course by regular, I mean regular readers, I am not making reference to those of you with regular bowel movements. We will no doubt cover that in a future post. – This blog
is full of shit Is a cultural education for anyone planning to travel to England. As well as offering survival tips to those brave enough to visit us here in the booty of England. Whether it is a conscious decision to do so or whether you just took the wrong turn off the M11. So first things first….where are we?
Yes that’s us! In the little sticky out butt bit of England (we squat bro!). We’re cool with this though as in usual Norfolkness, we realise that there is always someone worse off. Like those from Suffolk for instance…..
Us Norfolk folks are simple creatures. For the most part we’re sippy cup half full types and happy to live & let live. Apart from the times we’re not. Then we would rather live & stab arsehats in the eye with a toasting fork. However, for the most part we are happy to grab the hands of visitors in our little six fingered paws & welcome them. Of course, as with all countries of the world there are some ‘no go’ areas and Norfolk is no exception. For us, the place to avoid is Kings Lynn. Imagine the worst place in your neighbourhood & then imagine that all the residents in that neighbourhood are inbred and they all live in houses built on the flattest landscape known to man…..That’s Kings Lynn. I’ve just realised that this comparison probably wouldn’t work if the worst place in your neighbourhood is Kings Lynn. If this is the case for you, you may want to substitute Kings Lynn for Methwold. Oh & hey! You can read!! #WINNER! No really, they’re not all bad. The Kings Lynn folks will happily shake your hand too…particularly if you are wearing shiny jewellery……
The trickiest issue for visitors to our county is there is no telling what kind of response a comment from someone ‘what dunt cumm frumm roun hare’ is going to be met with. Is it going to be a chortle & a ‘thus roight…hint ut!’? are we going to take ‘roight a’fence’? or is it going to fall somewhere in between and the commenter will just be met with a vacant stare? A prime example of this was a poor chap who mispronounced Dereham as Deerem in the local cafe last weekend. The whole place went so quiet you could have heard a sausage roll drop. I don’t know what became of the poor fella but if only he had read my guide to Dereham from my Norfolk Tours series last year he could have saved himself a bit of embarrassment & probably a couple of fingers..and an eyeball….
So, here we are. Let me give you a brief run down of the things that really get your goat if you are from Norfolk – or “wot will rarely git ya guut” if you want to see it written in a true Norfolk accent. And hopefully it will make your stay/visit/wrong turn a safe one.
1) Braggers and big heads.
Generally, we have little time for braggers and big headed people. And by that I mean the know it all types nicely illustrated above. I don’t mean people who literally have ‘a big head’. Norfolk folks would never discriminate and welcome people of all hat sizes!! Just don’t brag about it. Naturally, we have our own share of braggers. You know the type, they have to have the latest tractor or combine harvesters pimped to within an inch of it’s life…..but without a doubt, they will be townies pretending to be country types. We don’t really do flash, in fact quite the reverse. So however much you spent on something? We got it cheaper & that’s how we like to do things ‘one downmanship’. Official statistics tell us that 90% of the sales made on Ebay UK are from people in Norfolk. In fact, when you visit Norfolk you may often hear what you assume are frantic moos of distressed cows. It is however the cry of the Norfolk shopper saying “Oi int fuckin payun thut!!! Um gorta haf a luk on heebay…” (Translation: Good grief! I say, that is expensive! I’m going to look on Ebay).
2) People who always make a drama out of a crisis
Here in Norfolk we like to call a spade a spade. Unless it’s a shovel or broom & then we will call it a shovel or broom….As I have already said, we are sippy cup half full people so whatever the drama, there is always a solution. Broken a leg? Well, you’ve got another one, so stop whinging. That’s just how we roll..or hop, if you only have one leg. Sometimes we like to play the my drama is worse than yours game with people. Let’s use the broken leg scenario again. Broken a leg? Well I had an elderly aunt who broke both her legs & an arm and still managed to bum shuffle to the post office every Thursday to pick up her pension & carry a 25kg bag of coal home…Woohoo! I win!! Also, we don’t do sympathy…. For example, don’t ever tell a Norfolk employer that you need to rush home due to a bereavement because unless you are an undertaker, we can’t see what use you would possibly be to a dead person so you might as well stay at work.
To you as a stranger to the parts, ‘Is thut roight?’ is Norfolk for ‘I think you are full of shit’. If a Norfolk person says ‘Is thut roight?’ to you in a descending tone, then you should probably leave by the nearest exit. This would be either the A11 or A47. If a Norfolk person says ‘Is that roight?’ to another Norfolk person, they will generally say it with a different tone of voice & it means that they are looking for confirmation/confirming what has just been said….for example:
Norfolk person one: Did ya hare thut Qoo Dee hus got a toofa wun hoffer on turls? Translation: Did you hear that QD has got a two for one offer on towels?
Norfolk person two: Is thut roight? Translation: Have they really? fucking hell! That sounds like a bargain! I must go there immediately & purchase some.
4) Rude people & people who are over familiar.
Occasionally, when someone has done worse than get our goat, they have ‘rarely pissd us orf’. For me and many other Norfolkians this would be pressing issues such as…
– People with body odour issues and no concept of personal space. Naturally being rural folk we tend to have a high tolerance for ‘the smell of nature’ but prefer not to smell it a foot behind us in a supermarket queue.
– A rude person failing to acknowledge our act of politeness. We are mostly polite little souls and like to rescue old ladies who’ve been spinning round with shopping trolleys caught in pot holes for 20 minutes after all, good manners cost nothing. As you now know, we love free stuff which is why we’re so happy to throw the pleases & thank yous around, because they’re free for fuck sake! Lets chuck those mofo’s all over the place.