Friday words of wisdom

Ok, so the title is probably a lot misleading. I wanted to do kind of a weekly thing filled with all the little random turd nuggets I can’t bulk out enough with waffle to fill a whole page but I couldn’t think of a title so yeah, work with me on this one for a bit.  It is however Friday, so it’s not completely bollocks, just mostly….

litter      I don’t use Tinder, so forgive me if I don’t really have a clue how it works.  But I reckon it’s like the tinterweb version of the really cheesy chat up lines that people used to try in the nightclubs when I was younger…..  I had an Australian friend, who I will call Jade – because that was her name –  She used to chat guys up by asking them if they wanted to see her map of Tazzie.  Which according to her was Aussie slang for a lady garden…I have no idea if she was lying or not but it sounded plausible to me after 8 Bacardi Breezers and to her credit, it did yeld her some excellent results.  Sadly (or fortunately, depending on your view)  the same couldn’t be said for me asking guys if they wanted to see my map of Swaffam.  Anywho it all kicked off this week when some woman said that Tinder was basically shyte and they came back & said “eff you hoe, we rock & we’re responsible for a shit ton of marriages.”  So now my word (or words) of the week is (are)  “Shit tons” Which according to my twitter chum yes, in deed is a recognised unit of measurement.

 

tw     Twitter has changed the favourite icon to a love heart.  so I think it’s only right the notification should change to highlight this.  if someone presses your love heart, I feel that ‘Cletus favorited your tweet’  doesn’t do it justice. should be something like ‘Cletus fucking loved your tweet’. Actually maybe there should be two buttons? so you can ‘favorite’ ones out of politeness & a ‘fucking loved this’ button for the ones that you wish you’d thought of first.  I’d be all over that, shit tons!!!

 

 

rory    Remember #WheresRory from earlier in the week? Of course you do! Unless you have dementia or something then maybe you don’t, Maybe you wish you had dementia because I’ve just reminded you of it? Whatever, I don’t know…sorry about that.  Well I was quite impressed with Chris when we took Rory out visiting Norwich, he totally embraced the challenge.  Standing in a surf shop (don’t ask) His eyes suddenly glazed over and he started pointing and squeaking “RORY!!” like a little kid whose just spotted the ice cream van (he actually does that too, but that’s another post).  Anyways, here we are, this is his take on it…….

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Chris #WearsRory

 

cat    Do you wonder what your thoughts would actually look like if they were a person? Well I found out this week when I discovered a brilliant blog. If you ever needed an insight into the random thoughts inside a middle aged ladies head  without installing surveillance cameras around my house,  then here it is.  I LOL’d my head off.  Bridget definitely belongs in my tribe.. The picture isn’t me or her by the way. I have no idea what Bridget looks like when she does her grocery shopping but it’s a fairly good example of what I look like in the supermarket….Except I have my cats in one of those double baby seat trolley things….

& I just decided these kind of weekly snippets are going to be called FFS Friday’s.  Like my WTF Wednesdays, just on a different day.

Rory does Norfolk

So if like me, you’re totally stalker status obsessed with  a fan of  The Bloggess then you’ll know all about her second book due for  release in September and that on the cover is a rather handsome looking chap called Rory who just happens to be a badly taxidermied road-kill raccoon (obviously).  I wonder who decided he was badly taxidermied? How do we know that Rory wasn’t just as cheerful when he was alive?  Rushing around with his little paws in the air, cracking jokes & pranking all the other raccoons until the fateful day he took a short cut….. I bet out there now is a little raccoon bar with little raccoons all sitting round staring solemnly into their whisky shots because life just isn’t the same without Rory.  He always liked a laugh & really knew how to party….. So what we see on the cover of Jenny’s book is in fact a perfect representation of Rory as he was in life….Just as he would have wanted…

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Anyway, without reproducing the whole of Jenny’s blog post here (although it would make me look dead clever & literate for once), Off the back of an attempt to get out of touring herself, she invited people to print of their very own Rory and photograph him having fun all over the world with #WheresRory tag (because remember that’s the kind of guy he was).  And you know me by now my little Normal fans, if there’s shit going down, I always have to have me some and besides which, I’m not daft enough to pass up the chance to take enough photo’s to keep me in blogging ammo for the next year……..

Of course if you have no idea who The Bloggess is, then just think of this exercise as a bit like the Travelling Red Dress from a few years back, which of course you will know nothing about either. You can learn about it here & read about my contribution here (which was neither red, or a dress).

Where was I? Oh yes! Rory

So putting the gym gear to one side for the day, I set my hair dryer to dry & frazzled with a hint of root, put on a normal persons bra and set off with my little cardboard companion to take in the delights of Norfolk………

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First up was Norwich train station.  I thought it was important that as a visitor to the area I should make sure Rory was aware of the nearest exit should things get a bit hairy, which it quite often does around this part of Norwich. Particularly on a Saturday night when the locals have been partaking in too many pints of moonshine. It was kind of like the safety talk you get on planes before take off, only not so much lipstick & heels but a bit more traffic & tramps smelling of wee…..

 

Away from the waft of eau de’ hobo, the next stop was the Castle. We’ve discussed the castle before, so you’re already aware that it’s full of various species native to Norfolk, such as lions, giant turtles and a polar bear. It also has a fine example of  medieval toilets in the castle keep and for this reason alone, it is one of my favourite places ever..This year though, Norwich has gone one step further and introduced dragons to the local area. Yes that’s right, dragons. Not any boring green dragons though. Rory was rather taken with a little cloudy patchwork number…..

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After all the dragony excitement, it was time to get away from the heaving crowds of Norwich & head into the wilds of rural Norfolk for Rory to meet some of the family, which included a savaging from our very own Hooge Poomah…Yeah, sorry about that Rory..Honestly, the sellotape around your wrist is barely visible..no one would ever know… :-/

 

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