The news in briefs

Firstly, I would just like to say a big thank you to the local council for the lack of grit on the icy roads this morning.  To be fair, the dip in temperature has only been written about in half a dozen newspapers for the last week, so I can totally understand how they would have not picked up on it. And hey, who needs to brake at junctions anyway?  On the plus side, where I would normally spend my 13.8 mile journey at stupid o’clock in the morning whingeing to myself about how I need to win the lottery or start earning more money from writing so I can stay in bed until midday, This morning I was actually relieved to pull into the car park happy that I hadn’t either killed or seriously injured myself or anyone else a random stranger . Because now I think about it, there are plenty of people I would have been more than happy to mow down in my out of control on the ice car…..Anywho, on to the important stuff.

SHIT IN THE NEWS WHAT I READ ABOUT WHILST SITTING IN BED WEARING ONLY MY KNICKERS….

wills and kate

If you don’t already know.  Wills and Kate are expecting a baby.  Much to the joy of the crackpots who have spent the last 18 months writing ‘KATE IS PREGNANT!’ stories in cLoser magazine.  At least now one of them is right….It hasn’t taken 24 hours for the next stage of the bullshit machine to start though…

wills and kate 1

It’s at this point I would like to throw my woolly Batman hat into the ring and suggest that she could be having a litter of corgis..Also, I think it will be safe to say that this is one baby bump we won’t be seeing half-naked pictures of on Twitter, thank goodness! What is it with these ‘celebs’ that make them think we want to see shots of their baby belly and barely covered foofoo? It just screams “look how clever I am! I am having a baby” Pah, put it away, love….no one is interested. They are probably the same mothers who blow raspberries in their babies face in the queue at the supermarket checkout to make it giggle and then look round to see who is watching them and their ‘cutest baby EVAH’ – except, more often than not the baby (probably wearing a miniature leather jacket and ear piercings) fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Hang on a minute! Isn’t there some kind of app where you can upload both parents pictures to see what the kids will look like? Why yes there is. And according to some bloke in Washington the royal off spring could look something like this….

wills

*shudder* That’s moderately disturbing isn’t it? I don’t understand why the little boy looks like Leonardo DiCaprio.  Hands up who else is now secretly hoping for corgis?

2012I don’t know much about this, but isn’t it just when the Mayan calendar ends? Isn’t this like me getting to December 31st on my cute kitten calendar and thinking “THE WORLD IS GOING TO END BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE PICTURES OF FLUFFY PUSSIES!” What pictures do they have on a Mayan calender? This story disturbs me for a few reasons.  Mainly because that’s when my Christmas holiday starts so I am going to be mightily pissed off if I have worked all the way up to the 21st only to have the world end IN MY TIME and not work time….Also, I’ve already done my Christmas shopping! Has it all been a wasted exercise? And just briefly, is there any point in getting anything in for my dinner that night? Does anyone know if it is going to be like a massive, destructive explosion? Making  a trip to the supermarket  pointless. Or is it going to be just, kind of like a living dead kind of situation, and we’ll all need to be locked up behind our front doors armed with rifles, grenades and hardened cat turds in socks? In which case we will need something for dinner, and this would be ideal….. The gogol mogol. The egg that cooks without the need for water – if you don’t take into account that one of the layers is actually ‘water’.  The jury is out on who this is actually aimed at, but the papers are going with the culinary inept.  My concern is that someone using this may die of chemical poisoning after they eat the packaging. Which if said someone is so stupid they are incapable of boiling an egg, then chowing down on the pretty yellow box it is packed in, becomes a distinct possibility.

egg1

eggs

And finally……..DINNA, DINNA, DINNA, DINNA……..

One of my cats is now deeply upset because he realises his impersonation of Batman is rubbish compared to this little dude.

One of my cats is now deeply upset because he realises his impersonation of Batman is rubbish compared to this little dude.

11 thoughts on “The news in briefs

  1. I know want to try a Gogol Mogol,if for no other reason so see if the package tastes better than the egg. The baby pics are extremely creepy, but if the eyes were normal the girl would be pretty cute. OMG I just saw batman…

    and I leave you with this…If your going to be running a banned blog, you need to try harder to include porn…

  2. First, that cat is fabulous.
    Second, I honestly don’t get everyone’s obsession with the royal anything. The wedding dress was plane, she seems uptight and boring, and why is it such news that they are having a baby? They’re married, and probably signed a contract in blood stating that she shall birth an heir to inherit the throne, even though everyone knows that old lady is never going to die, or else suffer death by rabies infest catfish. Just saying.

    • Ah, my dear Psychofab! You are missing out on the comedy which is the royal family….I love them all & have a great collection of cheesy royal crap, some of which dates back to 1932…I’ve spent afternoons trawling round charity shops for royal stuff and laughed until my sides hurt…and Prince Philip is fantastic with his ‘open mouth and think later’ gaffs….The man should be running the country.

    • And of course don’t forget, with the everyone welcome policy which the UK seems to have on immigration and the great lengths the PC brigade goes to to ensure that we are embracing all ethnicities and suggesting we have ‘non- religious’ christmas plays in schools in place of the good old fashioned nativity etc, it’s small wonder that we are keen to hang on to the monachy. It’s probably the last piece of ‘Britishness’ we are allowed to have…….

  3. This is how in tune to the news I am, I found out ‘KATE IS PREGNANT!’ from you. Thank you. And the fact that it may be corgies makes me so fucking happy. Too bad they can’t be westies. And if you were to take TheBloggess way and make awesomeness into t-shirts, I would want “THE WORLD IS GOING TO END BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE PICTURES OF FLUFFY PUSSIES!” I’ve been trying to get all my co-workers to read this post just for that line. Because I can’t say “pussies” at work. It’s inappropriate. Or so I’ve been told.

    • That is a very good idea! I shall take to work in the “Your muff is cabbage shop” and make those. How strange that you can’t mention pussies at work? Have you ever thought that they may be cattist? That’s really bad and if it isn’t racist it should be….lets face it, one day, (probably in the next 10 years) cats are going to rule the world and they will remember this kind of shit……..

  4. I want a cat who can play Batman! I was ripped off, it would seem.

    I’m a little alarmed that the gogol mogol (um, how does that name relate to eggs?) advertises a “second layer infused with chemicals”; that just seems alarming to me.

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