A while back, our HR department – in their infinite wisdom – decided to distribute a questionnaire to all the staff. To give you a bit of back ground on our HR department – just incase you haven’t seen them both on any internet porn sites already.
All of the admin tasks are done (in between filing nails and eating sandwiches from the deli on the corner) by a sister act known to their work colleagues as ’tits and teeth’. Because they have a massive set of both. They also have massive backsides and stomachs to match, so don’t get too excited fellas!. Bitter and jealous? Me? Never! I know I am fucking awesome! (I am joking….). Seriously though, I have no issues with women who think they need to constantly flirt with men, women or furniture to get on in life. What I do have an issue with is women who really think ’they’re all that’ when they’re more like ‘none of that’. I mean, there are women who just ooze self-confidence and then there are women who just need to buy a mirror that works. These two fall into the latter group. Think I am just being a bitch if you want, but I am the one who has to sit opposite one of them in a meeting every morning watching her give cow eyes to the guy from accounts one moment and then picking out her ear wax and looking at it the next so I think I have earned the right to vent….
Anyway, back to the questionnaire. So, Sarah and Kimberly Clark as they are known to their parents. (I kid you not. Can you imagine the conversation that went on when they were naming her? I can’t quite decide if they are evil genius or should have been sterilised after the first sister was born) share the tasks in the HR department. You know the kind of thing, one of them thinks and the other one does all the important jobs. Like breathing. Yesterday, I had a brief meeting with them about the results.
Tits: So the questionnaires are back and they make really interesting reading.
Me: Good. (I suppose it makes a change from Take a Break magazine for you…)
Tits: Yes, most of the feed back was good. But there were a few areas which may need to be addressed.
Me: Such as? (Your choice of work attire perhaps? How can a top that tight even be comfortable?)
Tits: Well, there were a few negative answers to the question “How good is the communication from your department manager”…………
Me: So when you say a few, how many exactly?
Tits: About 20%….
Me: Of what? How many questionnaires did you get back?
Me: Okay…so out of just over 300 given out, you got 31 back? So what’s that? about 6 negative comments out of potentially 300?
Tits: Well, yes…..I suppose so…..but it is still a bit concerning…and they all seem to come from the same department…
Me: Not for me it isn’t. I don’t really give a shit. That is assuming of course that you are implying that the negative results all came from my department? Although how you would conclude this from ‘anonymous’ feedback, I have no idea…..
Tits: *blushing through her fake tan* Well, yes of course it was anonymous…I just recognised some of the hand writing..
Me: well, to be honest Kim, I won’t lose any sleep over it. After all people are entitled to their opinions And seeing as how I am department manager to over a third of the total employee count, the odds are quite high that I’m likely to get more whingers than most…(Anyway, you should hear some of the comments I hear about the HR department! Let’s just say you wouldn’t want them to be mentioned on the company website).
Tits: Well I know it isn’t always easy with so many people.. It could be a bit like that when I used to supervise at the call centre so I understand entirely…
Me: Excuse me! I have highly trained and skilled consultants!….nothing like the script reading monkeys you used to have harassing people to buy expensive gas and electricity! (Okay, sneaky use of mum style tactics there! While I may call them all the muppets under the sun, I’m not going to sit back and let anyone else slate my staff). Anyway, what do you mean ‘communication issues’? Do I shout at people? No. Do I treat people with respect? Always. So unless they can read my mind, they can never legitimately claim to see me as anything other than professional. People have to realise that we are running a business not a day care centre. If they really don’t like having to answer to me, then they’re free to use the door under the illuminated ‘exit’ sign. (You know, the ones we have to point out by law just incase anyone is stupid enough to try and climb out of a window?).
Me: So what exactly are you going to do with the results? Use them as nails on a big stick to hit me with at my next appraisal?
Tits: No, I am going to put the results up on the notice board……
Me: Oh I’m sorry…..maybe I didn’t “communicate” my question properly. Perhaps what I should have said was, IS THERE ACTUALLY A POINT TO THIS EXERCISE??
There was a time when I just used to smile sweetly in meetings and keep my comments to myself. But you know what? I can’t do that anymore. I old and I’m tired of the same old corporate bullshit. I talk about businesses in general here, when I say that the whole reason for a company being there to like, you know, to make money..has been forgotten somewhere and seems to have been replaced by a whole bunch of tick box exercises to please the institute of pointless statistics and the like. Come on!! If you are going to dish out a questionnaire, at least make it interesting and useful. Here are a few of my suggestions for questions for the next one….
PLEASE ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS AS HONESTLY AS POSSIBLE.
Do you wipe your arse with:
A) Your left hand?
B) Your right hand?
C) Neither, I let someone else do it.
You find you have half an hour to spare before commencing your next job. Do you:
A) Start early and get ahead?
B) Go stand and chat to your friends over a crafty cigarrette – and if the boss comes past, just tell her you are having an early lunch?
C) Go and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes and have a cat nap?
You have done a naughty because you were too busy playing poker on the PC and your boss has found out. Do you:
A) Suck it up, princess! You fucked up, so just admit it and apologise (and be grateful that she hasn’t said anything about you looking at pictures of the birds who work in HR on the porn sites you have been visiting from your work pc)?
B) Say “He did it!” *and point at a colleague*?
C) Say “She did it!” *and wave your finger randomly in the direction of an empty chair*?
D) Say “I no understand nuffink” *while shrugging your shoulders and staring wistfully into the distance*?
How would you rate your capacity for retaining knowledge:
A) I remember all of the information which is passed on to me and if I’m not sure about something, I will always ask?
B) You have early onset dementia and can’t remember an instruction given to you 3 minutes ago, but you remember that 5 years ago you once had a conversation with your previous boss who said that it didn’t matter if you ‘forgot’ to fill in a particular piece of paperwork even though your current boss has a training record signed by you 6 months ago to say that you understand this piece of paperwork is a legal requirement and has to be completed daily?
C) Sorry what was the question again?
Your manager has asked to have a meeting with you regarding your recent poor performance. Do you:
A) Take on board what is being said to you and agree that yes, there are some areas requiring improvement?
B) Screech at your boss that she has never liked you anyway and she just wants rid of you…because some one else has told you so and when pressed by your boss as to who this ‘someone’ is, say it was a voice in your head?
C) Wonder if the chinese takeaway will be open when you leave off at 10pm because you fancy curry for your supper?
What is your name?
Now I think these questions are far more likely to get a realistic idea of who and indeed what we are dealing with on the staffing front and should perhaps be used on our next recruitment drive………………..